Still losing hair.

So I am elated to be finished with chemo. I don't even have to go for a follow up with Dr. Gralow (Oncologist) until after the new year!! Wooo Hooo!

I am however super anxious now more than ever to see the first re-growth of hair,..well ...anywhere. After round 2 of Taxol all of my top eyelashes fell out. But oddly enough the lower ones remained. Just today all lower lashes fell out as I was washing my face. Very odd. Guess it will still effect my system for quite some time.

I have started drinking Mona Vie (my favorite suppliment/health drink! check out the website if you are curious:
http://www.monavie.com

I have also started taking vitamins again. And tomorrow will be my first day back to the gym in 6 months!! I am quite excited. But have to think about how I am going to cover my head without sweating to death in a beanie. ??? I am not gonna wear a bandana. No WAY! Man I am so out of shape I bet I'm gonna run 5 minutes on the treadmill and wanna pass out.

My daughter is playing "bedtime" with her 3 barbie dolls. Listening to her talk to her dolls is so damn funny. "Just sleep for a minute Mermaid. Just a minute while I work on my project for the day. K?"

It's off to Los Angeles on Monday for appointments with both of my doctors (Dr. DaLio/Plastic Surgeon & Dr. Giuliano/Oncologic Surgeon). Going (hopefully) to set a date for my exchange surgery. And hopefully discuss size, shape and recovery time. I really don't want to be layed out of 2 weeks. No freekin' way dude. Not after this entire past 10 months. "OVER IT!" Ready to work and get back on that workout horse. I am coveting a gym membership at David Barton. Ideally would be so nice to workout on "Seattle" days at All Star and "Bellevue" days at David Barton before or after work. But would be tough to workout on Bellevue days in Seattle. Just doesn't work with my Sophia driving schedule. Funny how complicated it gets to be healthy as you get a bit older, have a family and work obligations. All I am very blessed and happy with. But I really need to exercise. Make time, not find time..right?

Nausea..but I am done..right?

Oh my. Not sure but yesterday and today I have had the worst nausea yet. Threw up 3 times yesterday and tonight feels like I just might again.

My last treatment is over with. But just need to get through the next few days. My mind is over it. I guess my body is not. Might take awhile to get back to normal. Oh stomach. I am sorry I have done this to you.

Taxol isn't supposed to make you sick to your stomach..right?

What's the deal. Grrrrrr.

12/9/09

I am DONE!

Everything went smoothly. Had my favorite nurse assigned (Sandra Cunninghham) this a.m. and I cried a little in relief. I knew with her we would get a vein.

Shelli, you were there for me every step of the way. Didn't miss one treatment. I know how very valuable your time is and I a honored and humbled that you have chosen to spend our Wednesday time at SCCA in the transfusion room over these past 8 treatment weeks. You have again shown me the strength and compassion of a true friend. I love you.

Thanks to Jaclyn and Michelle for being there in the chemo room as well.

And Cooper. Really pulled me through. Although we may not always see eye to eye. I can be very demanding,..you have really stepped up over the last 4 months. You deserve a mini vacation!! Love you!

Phew...done & done. So full of appreciation and love for all of my friends and family who have called, written, spoken such kind words of support. I can't wait to get out and inspire those around me the way I have been inspired. But for now I just need to sleep and heal.

xoxoxoxox - Becky

Final treatment tomorrow!

I cannot believe tomorrow marks my last day of chemotherapy!

Provided the nurses can find a good/safe vein. I am SOOOO excited. Soooo excited. I am trying to not get too invested in this idea just in case my veins do not behave. But I am feeling really good about things. I have drank water/coconut water all day today.

I don't have too much to say about it other than it has been a long road. Typically 4-5 months seems to cruise by. Seems like it has been forever. But all in all it has not been so bad. For anyone out there that may have to go through chemo or have a loved on going through it just know:

* It can be done. Many people do it. It is a mind set. I kind of convinced myself that I had the flu each time instead of thinking chemo chemo chemo.

* Remember that as bad as you have it,..there is someone out who has it worse than you and they make it through with a positive attitude. When you see (sad as it is) how children have to go through this; it is hard to feel sorry for yourself or weak. The spirit that they have and the light in their eyes just inspired me. Here I am with a full understanding of the situation and understanding of the pain. I know that it is a means to a better healthier life. Getting through it with dignity and strength for all those who are worse off made it much more do-able.

* Visualize the future. Keep your mind in what will be. I used this time to embrace feeling powerless and stripped of any aesthetics. And in a way it forced me to just be me without any pretense. I am not my hair, my body, my clothes. I am my heart and my spirit. No one will remember how great I looked when I leave this earth,..but hopefully someone particularly my family and friends will remember my spirit and love.

* Count your blessings...almost all of them are my friends. They have meant SO much. I have always loved my girlfriends. But literally my friends & family have walked with me every step of the way. I hope no one I know has to face this challenge in the future. But no one that I know will go it alone. Love my dear friends. Shelli, Jaclyn, Melani, Chelsea, Danielle, Michelle and Beth particularly for being here in spirit as well as in person! Shelli for being there for EVERY one of my 8 treatments. Not once have I taken that for granted. You are a blessing and a dear dear friend! My amazing co-workers. And my rock solid family; Cooper...LOVE. Sophia my heart.

Deep Breath...I truly hope tomorrow goes as planned. So want to be DONE!!

Food Inc. WATCH IT!

I can't believe what I am seeing.

I am writing this in my blog about my fight against Breast Cancer because there is no way the food that we eat and cancer are not related. My case definitely could be primarily genetic. But regardless of genetics,...it cannot be healthy and beneficial to my immune system to consume the diet I have been consuming over the past 10 years. And organic is not a sham. It's real and the only way to go.

Average American eats 200 lbs of meat per person/year!! NUTS!

Treatment of these animals is outragious. Not only dangerous and abusive to animals but to our health. Most feed lots are oversized factories. These feed lots breed disease.

Never again will I eat chicken. Never again will I eat farm raised fish. Never again will I eat beef. I don't like pork and really don't eat it. But also done with any bacon or pepperoni. Just gross! And sad.

I was planning on moving to a completely raw diet a week or so after my last treatment. Now I know at least a macrobiotic diet is the only way to go. I just will not eat meat anymore.

I know I sound like another fanatic. But the movie reinforced what I already knew to be true. And if you don't watch it for yourself...if you are a parent,..watch it for the health of your child(ren).

Not cool America. Not cool. I need to take my health and where it starts seriously. I am what I eat.

Me first. Then I need to figure out how to get my 3 year old to embrace and like veggies, fruit and organic whole grains. Hmmm. One step at a time I guess.

Chemopause...SUCKS.

Holy Hell. I keep having hot flashes. And I almost got through this crud without experiencing "that" side effect. One more left on 12/9,..soooo close. And UGH...I am totally going through early menopause. Shit.

Yes,...I will bounce back to normal life and get my "monthly friend" back a few months after chemo is over. But for now I know what it will feel like when I turn 50. or whatever and actually do go through the "change". I certainly won't need a sweater or a blanket, heater or socks at night. Dude.

Almost done..almost done..As of Wednesday this week..there are only 7 more days until my very LAST chemotherapy treatment. And then just 1-2 weeks until the really nasty side effects go away. It will take about a year for my body to be completely back to normal. But I am ready. This chemo thing feels like it takes FOREVER.

Tick tock, time is really ,moving slowly. Which would normally be awesome. But not in this case. December 9th you couldn't come sooner. Got to stay busy until then.

Insomnia

12:44 a.m., Tuesday morning. I just cannot go to sleep. My internal clock is completely off. I am tired of taking Tylenol P.M.

I am totally freaked out about a possible recurrence in the now non-breast that had cancer. There is a dull itching exactly where the biopsy/cancer was found. But what really freaks me out further is the dull pain/swollen feeling continues down my ribcage. I did email my Oncologist and did get a response..but nothing is set/planned for imaging. Which is really what I need at this point. Just need to know it is not cancer in my foob or anywhere else in that area.

Cancer you SUCK! I keep thinking worst case scenario. I am really emotional about Sophia these past few days as well. I just need to get those bad thoughts out of my head. Cancer is just such a mind fuck. (excuse the use of the phrase,..but really there is no better way to explain it).

Just need to breathe. Just need to try to sleep.

Only 2 left now.

Today marked #6 of 8 chemo treatments. And Thank God for that. Because I was just shy of having to leave my appointment and return tomorrow. Which isn't the end of the world, but there is something to be said for mentally psyching yourself up for treatment. It's as if I set myself up mentally the night, day even days before. So I am really glad I got it all done with today.

I guess my veins did not want to cooperate today. They could find a line, but not thread the needle into it. Yuck! And much love to my ever dedicated and fantastic friend Shelli who has been with me through it ALL. Jaclyn came today as well. Both beauties there next to me while I broke down into tears. As well as watched my blood draw and needles stuck in 5 times. I still think it was 6 or 7. But of course I would over shoot. It's always worse when it's you getting poked. I had to have 3 nurses trade off because it was just not working. Before the last one came in Maggie my nurse gently said,.."If this doesn't work we may need to have you come back another day." They needed to be safe. And they ended up sticking me in my wrist, which is not ideal. Taxol is not a "vesicant", but it could be potentially damaging to any/all tissue around the site if it gets out of the intended vein. And your wrist vs. a fattier part of the arm has a lot of tendons, joins, bones..etc that could be damaged even if caught right away. But I went for it understanding the risk. I just didn't move my arm or twist my wrist at all so the needle did not move.

Long winded. Sorry. So it is done. I am not a highly religious person, but I am so thankful and thankful to God for my friends. I am constantly humbled by how generous and genuinely caring they have been. Shelli in particular. I only hope I have the opportunity in my lifetime to give back to her as well as my other friends in need of the same kindness she has shown me. All day today she spent with me in that chemo room. Cleared her books because she knew I would be alone and she didn't want me to. Stayed even when I passed out to sleep. I never have to ask. She is there. And I never expect anything yet she consistently is there. I know how busy she is and how valuable her time really is on so many levels. I thank God for my friend Shelli and her amazing family.

And to all of my amazing friends and coworkers who do little and big things to pull me through; I love you. You have all in some way pulled me through, like a life line. It's very hard to explain, but the impact of even a simple phone call is huge. Jaclyn, thank you for today! You made me laugh during the worst part. don't know how you do it. You being there means so much and it was great to have just us girls!

So close to the end of treatment. I can feel it. My body is definitely worn down, but my mind is still very strong. After the first few days each time, I almost feel like my mind comes back from "chemo-cation" stronger than before. I have really cut down on my television consumption. So I think it is time to read. Chelsea keeps telling me to read "A New Earth" by Echart Tolle (spell?). I own it and have never read it. In part to the fact that it was all over Oprah. Kinda like "the Secret". Which is good, but I kind of think some self help books are over solicited and repeat stuff that we already know, just in different form. But I bought it, so I will read it. And it never hurts to take from it what you can. Positive reading. Better than television (for me) for sure.

Ready for my next treatment the day before Thanksgiving. Always so grateful for the love in my life. It is the best part of every day. When I close my eyes and really think about my existence..it is all about the love we give and receive. I can only hope to grow as a person by continuously giving/showing that love to those around me. What else is there?

November 2009.

So I got over the aches and muscles pain. Reading the Young Survival Coalition boards are good in that you don't feel alone. But bad in the fact that not everyone has the same side effects and length of them. And it is difficult not to think worst case scenario when you are in pain. The aches and pains did go away for the most part. And yes there is loss of feeling in my toes and fingers a bit, but nothing completely unbareable.

It is also flu and cold season. I came down with something this last week. Stupid me worked a 10 hour day this past Wednesday. Then started feeling sick later on that evening. Which put me out of commision for a few days. Lesson learned.

Next treatment is this Wednesday. House cleaner comes tomorrow. If I could only stop sneezing. My hair is starting very slowly to grow. Very slowly. I'm sure it will pick up once the chemo is out of my system a few weeks after treatment is over. I can't wait. Not just because I don't want to look like a cancer patient anymore,..but because my head is REALLY COLD. And it is getting super cold outside. I lost my favorite hat that I spent way too much on at Nordstrom (Sonia Rykiel) dumb dumb me for even purchasing an expensive hat. But meanwhile it is lost. And it was the only warmer, fashionable hat I could wear to work. I have plenty of scarves. But it is really cold and only getting colder. Where is my hat dude!

It's almost over (the chemo part at least). Then 2 years of tamoxafin. And exchange surgery, hoping Dr. DaLio can fix the few things that drive me bonkers about "the girls". And hopefully just scheduled MRI's and Mammograms for the rest of my freekin' life. My fitness schedule and eating habits will also drastically change come late Dec.

Back to L.A. on Dec. 21st for a day trip to get screened again with Dr. Giuliano (surgical oncologist at St. Johns in Santa Monica). Oh Joy! Flying 4 days before the holiday...Ahhhhh ;)

SonUva..you know what!

Well. I underestimated Taxol. Still better than AC. But the pain really set in today. This morning to be exact.

Woke up to Sophia screaming Momma!!!! Got out of bed and literally felt like I had aged 30 years. My joints, muscles and even feels like bones ache. Every step. Cramps everywhere. As I walked down the steps,..Sampson (our dog) had left a nice little (not little at all) mess at the bottom of our carpeted steps. Good thing I do not have nausea like before because cleaning up dog poop as many of you know is not a great way to start the day. Pushed through the morning and got dressed. Went to work and failed miserably at trying to be any help to anyone. And of course I didn't put much thought into my shoe selection. High heel pumps. I suppose I thought the cramping would go away. Not so much.

Sleep isn't coming easy either these days. Advil does not work. Oh well.

Still excited for tomorrow. Hoping the cramping goes away a little if not completely so that I can go to work for a little while. But pumpkin patch with Sophia in the a.m....hopefully. Not gonna let it slow me down. At least too much.

Big sigh of relief.

After today I have only 3..that's right 3 treatments left to go.

Nervous as always when I entered to infusion room..18 this time they called out at the desk on the 5th floor at SCCA. I was denied EMEND (which is the anti nausea meds I had been taking) this morning for my typical quick pickup at 8 a.m. But was assured that I did not need it. My though was,.."Great!" So I will only have a little nausea.

They knocked me on my butt with the Benedryl concoction given with the chemo drug Taxol. It was put in with IV and very concentrated. My vision went blurry and it literally felt like an instant tranquilizer. Very weird. Now I know how animals that escape from the zoo feel. But it did put me to sleep. I started babbling to Shelli. The last thing I remember was talking to her about Lake Chelan and how nice it would be to have a girls weekend on the water. And I was out!

Woken up to administer the Taxol..then three hours later and just about to pee my pants from all the fluids. I was done! And NO NAUSEA! None at all. The nurses said I could experience muscle and joint pain..but none yet.

Thank you God! I am fine. Just REALLY SLEEPY.

I read too many of the Breast Cancer support blogs. Mostly good, but sometimes it fills my head with what could happen.."Oh my gosh, what if that is me" kinda stuff. But I have been super lucky. Especially today. The end of this crap is near. After today only 3 more treatments.

And then it's "on like Donkey Kong" to the gym, running in the a.m., spending more active quality time with family and friends. And yes..back to my rad job on a full time basis. Living my life. And a little hair would be cool too. :)

Perspective.

I was hesitant to write about this because I want to be respectful to the person who it involves. But it also has had an impact; not on my direct world and emotions toward that individual...rather a slap in the face perspective regarding how I feel about my family, their health and overall how fragile we all are.

So here goes...
I found out last week that an old friend was diagnosed with cancer as well. Someone I used to be very close to and for reasons that I would rather leave unsaid I no longer am in contact with and think it is best to keep that door closed. All the same it still stings when you hear that anyone you know or knew is in pain regardless of the circumstances. I received this information from a text message. Which also makes it a bit more in your face. However as I do not wish to open that door again the text was appropriate.

Again out of respect for that person and the situation I won't blog what type or what was said. On that very same day I also found out another individual I know has a brain tumor. Oh and another person that I am close to has another family member with a brain tumor. Neither of which are for sure cancer. But all the same, gut wrenching.

It is not because I have breast cancer that these people are sharing these things with me if you are wondering. One person still does not know that I do. The other two would have told me regardless.

So down to the point....
Something in my mind has completely flipped. I am angry at the fact that we are so fragile. But at the same time am so much less afraid of death. I am more afraid of not living life to the fullest. That phrase is used so often. And "fullest" means different things to different people. Could mean "I am going to do all the scary things I never thought I could do...sky dive, bungee jump, swim with great white sharks (I really want to do this although this perspective is not mine regarding the daredevil complex)" and for some it means "go to every corner of the globe and see everything I can see"...

To me living life to the fullest has become a more organic. I used to be very closed off. Almost fearful of letting people in. Allowing myself to be open to not only rejection, but to loss. Let me say I am and always will be a reader of people. And very protective of my family. Not everyone should be a close friend or even acquaintance. But for myself personally I have missed out on a lot of human connection with people who are very special and worthy of opening up to because of those two words "rejection & loss". Regardless of how those feelings crept in and became part of my psyche...they have lived here for my entire adult life.

No longer. And no longer will I take my partner or family members for granted. Again the phrase "for granted" means different things to each person. But I want to be more grateful and loving to those I am closest to.

In the past few days I find myself looking at Coop and thinking, "really I don't know what I would do if anything happened to you. I just love him with all my heart." He is the strong one in not just my life, but for his friends, coworkers, family. He is the rock. But as I am finding out..everyone is fragile. We are human.

Thinking that with my closest family particularly Cooper and Sophia if anything were to happen I would wish so strongly that I could trade places with them. I would want to take their pain even if it meant it would be worse for me. That in my situation now it is easy for me because I do not have to see my loved ones physically in pain. I can muscle through anything as long as it is mine.

So I have been less critical and will remain this way. More tolerant. More kind and soft hearted. More open and vulnerable to those I love. I want Cooper, Sophia and every friend and family member to know that I love them deeply. We are flesh and bone. This is not permanent. And no one knows when we will receive the "diagnosis", the "phone call" or whatever it may be.

And embracing the fact that at the end of the day with anything. You can only do "your" personal best. But if I am not giving my best to those closest to me first. Life is not full. I do not want to have regrets with those I call my "heart".

That is all. Thanks for reading. And I love you.

Tassles and Toned Booty. I'm motivated.

I am sitting in Zoka Coffee shop,..Greenwood, Seattle, WA. Beautiful Fall day. Leaves; orange, yellow and brown blowing all around the streets and into peoples hair. I had one stick to my red cap today.

I should really write this stuff in my personal journal, because I am fully aware that the mundane details of my day, the week or seasons do not make for an interesting blog. But since I am here with my computer and free wi fi,..I will write.

Woke up today after a fun night of Burlesque at El Gaucho last night. A sigh of relief for Cooper that the entire dinner show last night went off phenomenally. I for one had never seen a burlesque show before last night. Much like I had expected. And absolutely loved that the female performers came in all different and beautiful shapes, sizes and colors. Costumes as well!! So fun!

Getting out of the house last night,..not so fun. Applying lot's of drag(ish) makeup, easy. Thank you MAC cosmetics for the few years of training. Hair..not an issue. Thank you Jaclyn! for the freekin' fantastic Blue Wig! I love that thing. But the "chemo bloat" is in full force mid way through treatment now. I have literally gained 10 lbs since August '09. SICK. Now I will not continue to write and beat myself up publicly as well as privately. As I know how irritating it can sound from another person..whining and playing the victim to weight gain.

I do however want to illustrate that as part of my experience with cancer this is one toll that the treatment/process has taken on my body. It is the reality of the situation. And although I hate to be a statistic,..it happens to many women going through the same treatment process.

Stripping you down. Taking so much of the physical away. February 13th, 2009 to now. I barely feel like myself, at times don't recognize myself in the mirror. But my mind is still in tact. So that is the thread I will hang onto.

Coop & I stayed up late last night. Talking, laughing. Reminiscing about when we first met. He described the outfit I wore the second time we went to dinner at Lola. I barely remembered,..but he could recount every detail. We met in March of 2005. So much has changed. So much for the better. I wouldn't go back or trade and portion of my life. Lessons learned. Love has grown and vulnerability is no longer a weakness, but a conscious decision to open up.
I will however celebrate our 5th anniversary this year while wearing the jeans that I met Cooper in. If I have to wake my lazy ass up every G.D. morning starting on December 16th (1 week after last treatment) to run for 45 min. I WILL!

oh,..And Chelsea & I will also be taking Burlesque Dancing Classes at Miss Indigo Blue's Academy in 2010. 6 week course. Very exciting. And also very motivating. Can't wait to create my own "character"/Stage name. And the outfits! The lingerie! Eeeeek. But again,..one more reason to get my butt in perfect form. Tassels and shimmy shake make for a really great motivator! I wonder how the "girls" will move once I get my perfect new silicone pair? Potentially very comical.

Just gotta get through the next 2 months.

What the hell Chia Pet!?

Now I may need to do further consumer research to fully confirm. But today as I have come up with what might be my magnum opus of ideas...I also have come to find out that Chia Pet does not have any female chia heads or furthermore any female characters. Nope..All men.

Here I am with my idea of all ideas and I find this,..well...finding.

I think there needs to be a limited edition(to the month of October) Chia Pet for breast cancer. That's right. All pink Chia. Female only. Sorry dudes, yes you can get b.cancer as many may know. But the Chia as it is the first of it's kind would only come in female form.

Now the only decision left to make is...would it sell if you threw in that it's hair does not grow? Maybe 1 or 2 sprouts.

Thoughts?

1/2 way done as of today!

Just wanted to blog a little before I go in. My head is not in a fog now and will be later today and for several days after.

Today is the halfway mark. Today is my last nasty AC treatment. The "red" stuff. THANK GOD!!!!! I hope on all hopes that today goes smoothly. That nothing funny happens with the IV. I really don't want a port. And have been fine thus far.

I have gotten very used to the cycle of every two weeks feeling like shit. But I will be really stoked here on out for every treatment date as it approaches. Knowing I am one less to my end date.

I so want my life back. Very emotional every time I say or write that. I want to run, I want to exercise. I want to be able to take vitamins, eat raw sushi (my favorite food) and just feel like my body is my own. I will never again take these things for granted. Nor will I take my friends, my family, my job. I am so blessed. I just want to feel normal or whatever normal now is again.

Gotta go get ready. Super excited to hang out with Shelli and Cooper in the infusion room. Breakfast, coffee and chemo. Hmmmm. Odd pairing.

Sunday.

I am so ready to be finished with my treatment.

Almost halfway there. But I am in such a daze that I can barely remember what day it is. It has really overcome my body this time. I am most likely not making very much sense. My head is yet again in a fog.

I want my life back. Well. Not the same life as before as I think I do appreciate and understand much more. But I just want my mind and body back. December 9th....December 9th! Sorry to wish the Fall away as it is one of my favorite times. Halloween,..falling leaves, pumpkin patches and hay rides. Pumpkin and apple pie. Spiced cider. Football....ummm..aside from the commentary and bad commercials. And best of all Sophia, Cooper and Mia's birthday! Forgot gravy and Turkey. I love Fall. I'm going to do my best to remember and enjoy all of my very important memories in '09.

Gonna go play Little Mermaid with Sophia. At least I can keep up with my 3 year old and play fairytale stories with her. She is pretending that her legs are "shiny green tale"...as she sings.

3 of 4 and next just 4 more!

This time has been rough! Worst Nausea ever!! Just today I could stomach trying to eat cantaloupe. Which tastes decent, but not great. My preference would be nothing but if I do not eat occasionally it purpetuates more nausea. Same thing with the water intake. I have to flush out the toxins, but water tastes REALLY gross right now.

I wish I had something positive and uplifting to say.
Let's see: I am still feeling very supported. Shelli is my angel. She has managed in her busy schedule to come to all 3 of my infusion treatments. Amazing and so dedicated. And each time with she & Cooper around it lightens the mood. Almost fun. Aside from the needles and chemo. You know, that can be gross. But my nurses made it easy too. I heart Sandra Cunningham. Best nurse EVER! In all honestly the relationship stuff can be tough. Because you need so much from your partner. More than they could ever understand or predict. I just need to remember that this is my fight and I cannot expect him to read my mind. But my loving fiancee is off to Jamba Juice this morning to grab me a Mango a Go Go. Which typically I would not drink due to it's sugar content. But it is the ONLY thing I am craving this morning. Possibly the only thing I can hold down. Thanks Coop! Oh and another very positive and exciting thing is that this was dose 3 of 4 AC/Doxyrubicin treatments and then onto Taxol. AC is known to be the roughest. So just 1 more in 2 weeks from now and then I may be able to feel better sooner. And some women grow hair back on Taxol too! Let's hope ;)

I can say that the raw diet give or take a few cheats has served me well over the last 6 days. I really do crave mostly fresh fruits, vegetables and nuts/seeds. Very wierd, but I never was a huge meat fan to begin with. As a kid I would push all meat aside. And was a vegetarian of sorts in my high school years. Then bad habits formed after leaving Eugene, OR and moving to Portland. Seattle made it much worse because I became kind of a foodie. Foi Gras does not exactly fit into the health food category.

I know I can stick to at least 80-90% raw food diet. Occasionally I want pasta though!

Anyway I am excited for the 100 More Years auction at Shelli's church this Saturday. Hopefully my stomach will recover by that time. And I am super excited for Beth's visit next weekend! Eek have not seen her in forever. And I am still trying to upload pictures from the race this past Sunday where Chelsea, Adam, Jayme, Mizzy, Apryl, Leisy, her cousin and Cooper came out to support the NW Hope & Healing foundation. Only a 5K, but I actually enjoyed a little jogging and mostly goofing around and talking the whole way. Cooper came in last and was damn proud of it! I am debating over whether the NY marathon will be beneficial to me next year or if it will tear my body down more than strengthen both body & spirit. ?? Anyone who knows a medium athletic type who has run a full marathon that has any tips or suggestions,..send em my way!

Thanks for reading. Love, Hope and happiness.....Becky

Decisions.

Over 3 weeks into my treatment I have started to notice my immune system is definitely taking a hit. I look at this as a challenge. As a learning experience that will make me all the stronger and more healthy after the chemo is out of the equation.

Changes as little as a bug bit on my leg that has over a week to heal. As well as working a 9 hour day & coming home absolutely exhausted. Waking up the next day to a sore throat & body aches. My knees are so sore and almost feel arthritic. Hard to walk up and down the steps. And then there is the lack of energy that makes it really tough to exercise. Therefore minor weight fluxuations. All of this is actually pretty normal in terms of chemotherapy patients. But things that at 29 I have never really dealt with. I can't say for sure all of the above are due to supressed immune system. Some may be me being a little over sensitive. I like to call it being proactively aware.

Long story short; I have decided to go with my gut instinct. I guess there is not right or wrong answer when it comes to long term health. It is just what you feel is right for you. For me growing up my Mother was very much into natural medicine; good nutrition being the first part to this. In my adult life this carried over intermitently. I however am lazy. My busy life, blah, blah, blah..I can make many excuses. I let life carry me vs. caring for myself.

I have been told by members of my medical team that I should eat whatever I want. But on the other hand told that my tastebuds and cravings would be off as chemo tends to do that. ???? So if I crave cheetos I should eat those all the time? Um no. I don't think so.

First there was Chelsea and Paula who inspired me. My birthday present from Chels this year was the Superfoods book by Steven Pratt MD. Thumbing through it first. And then going back to take notes. Next Shelli has given me information on MonaVie juice for months now. Even giving me several bottles to try. Good stuff.

And then yesterday I met two of Shelli's and now I'd like to think my friends as well, Lisa and Kim. They cared enough to come to my house to talk to me about what they have learned and read both about alternate and parallel options during and after my treatment. Kim after speaking with Shelli had heard I was interested in a raw diet. Lending 5 or 6 books to me regarding nutrition as well as info on health & wellness spas across the country.

I put the books aside yesterday and went back to my crazy cravings. Pizza, cheetos, salad, peaches, cheese, etc. But realizing that I felt like crap. A switch turned on in my brain. My inner voice was telling me something like "If you eat like shit, your gonna feel like shit,...you know better!" And it's true.

So I woke up today. Cracked open the "Raw Family" book by Victoria Boutenko and read. Her entire family had serious health problems. Different than mine, but equal in severity. The common theme of all of my books on nutrition is the thought that our body is not the enemy. Our body is an amazing system that wants to heal. But if I am not helping it in every way to do it's job to it's maximum capacity by fueling it properly...it will not.

Why would I temp fate by eating horribly? I know I am smarter than that. My Mother taught me better. (she will love that comment).

So I cleaned out my refrigerator. (aside from the food that I know Sophia & Cooper would not want me to toss). And headed to Chaco Canyon for my first raw dinner. And then to Whole Foods for my first raw food shopping trip.

I cannot say I will be 100% raw all the time. I would like to. I will dedicate the next 3 months to it. But I am Italian & I love my pasta!! But I can say no more meat. And anything that I consume will be to nurish my body.

And when I get my energy back. I will run every morning before work. I can hardly wait.

Oh and the unbaked brownies are hella good! If you've never had a raw brownie...I highly recommend you try one.

Just want to give love to my dear friend Shelli. She was a friend before the cancer. Never let me fail, never let's me make excuses. And throughout my cancer diagnosis and treatment has really been one of my angels.

Yesterday as I was standing in the shower with just tons of hair falling out everywhere...I get out and there is a text from Shelli. Literally ready to do it myself,..and a sigh of relief that she will be over right away to help.

So Shelli came over and that was that. My head is now totally shaved from what is left of not already being bald. And I am free. Liberated of the horror of having to watch it all fall out. Just another step in the process. But just another step that I got to laugh with my dear friend Shelli. Dunno how at a time like this there were no tears and only laughter...I guess it has to do with the company.

Ugh. Visualize I'm in Hawaii.

Today was round 2. AC/Doxyrubicin (spell?) and Cytoxin/Cytocin?. Ugh spelling those words makes me nauseous. My brain is very fuzzy so I won't write a whole lot. But wish I could write more.

My hair has stared falling out. It is now super short and although a very cute cut compliments of my beautiful and dedicated friend Jaclyn. The fear of soon losing all of it is in the back of my mind daily. I think once it is just gone,..it will not be so big of a thing. But as a woman and a very girly girl...I definitely identify part of my femininity and beauty with my hair. This year has been tough. I lost my breasts, both of them. And yes I have a great new set. But it is not the same to me as a woman. I feel a pity party coming on. And I think it's o.k. today. Today I will allow myself to be sad. Today I will feel the loss of even though superficial things,..still they were my superficial things.

I am learning to be stronger. I am understanding that femininity does not come from any one body part or moreover your looks. All the same it is a tough thing to go through at 29.

I really want to feel carefree again. I drove with Cooper around town after my chemo treatment because I wanted to open the window and feel the wind blowing through my hair. It will be awhile, but it is one of those little things we take for granted. Just how good it feels. Even taking for granted how good it feels to be healthy & alive. I pray that this will be the last of my personal battle with cancer. I pray that the chemo will wipe out ANY cells that may be floating around in my blood stream. Knock 'em out forever! I pray that I can move on in January 2010 to a healthy and active life.

Although I am not a highly religious person, I still believe there is a greater force. I know that I would not have been given this challenge of a gift...had I not been able to handle it. As well as make something of it to continue to be an advocate for other young women in the future. We are all connected in some way. I have felt so supported, loved and cared for. I have strengthened friendships and developed new ones with some of the best people I have ever known. It really does bring out the best in people. I am unbelievably humbled and appreciative. My birthday this year was honestly the best ever. Both my surprise gathering at Gaucho that Chelsea and Cooper organized as well as my small house party. I could go on and on about how blessed I am. But what it comes down to is I can't wait to give back both to those I love and are close to as well as to the greater good.

And yes. I have lost my god given, humble rack. And have all kinds of crazy shit happen to my body. I am not defined by those things.

My mind is strong. And I can still smile. Thank God I can still smile. So much to look forward to. Today I am going to imagine our next trip to Maui. Going to the cliff where the profile picture was taken. Open my arms and let the wind whip around my face and body. Back to where I was at 25, exactly 4 years ago this week. But now stronger and happier. Living a fuller life.

29 is feelin' just fine.

Reflecting on my 29 years and sitting in the reality of this years events. Today I am so lucky. Today I was also a jerk to Cooper. I want to be completely changed by the severity of my situation/diagnosis. But I seem to slip back into the minutia from time to time.

I keep thinking that in this year and every year going forward I want to focus on what is really important. I want to not try to overstretch myself in so many directions that I am spread thin. But focus on the key factors that make myself and those around me happy. Be a good Mom. Be a good partner. Be a good friend. Those three things are the most important to me. Those are the things that lose meaning when I become too OCD about other worldly things.

Today I met up with Shannon and her friend Brad to help cheer for the walkers of the 3 day walk for Breast Cancer. Thousands of people collect at least $2,200 a peice to walk 6o miles in 3 days. All of this money goes to breast cancer research. Millions of dollars are raised across the country. This is an outstanding display of human compassion and dedication. So Sophia & I brought juice, popsicles, candy, stickers & bubbles to give to the walkers. My appreciation for them is immense. Many of whom have been affected by this disease. Many of whom have lost loved ones and now walk in their memory. I will most definitely be walking next year.

I am a person who needs purpose and also who needs to focus on what is important daily. Because I am too all over the place otherwise. In addition I need to remember what is not important and just let it go. It is cyclical otherwise and not healthy.

No more appologies, I just have to change. So year 29 will be about me changing how I see the world and how I respond to those around me. I cannot expect anyone else to make this change for me. No more excuses. No more laziness. Be the change you want to see...and I will.

Hair today,..gone tomorrow.

Well. I am not 100% sure, because obviously I am hyper aware of my hair these days. But I do believe we have lift off. Starting to thin out for sure.

Let's look on the bright side. Without hair I will:

1. Be able to use 1 good cleanser on all parts of my body.
2. My cheekbones will stand out more ;) I keep telling myself this, but at 28 (29 in 2 days) I still only have chipmunk cheeks. It's genetic.
3. Like my chemo nurse said, I just need a nose ring & I will look totally punk rock.
4. Not have to air wave my hair every morning. Much less maintainence over all.
5. Will learn to love myself more for who I am inside.
6. Will learn who really loves me for just me.

So there it is.

I am hoping for good weather today for Chris & Kelley's trip to the Gorge. Coop & I were supposed to go to for my birthday present (Big Dave fan & I am definitely going next year for all 3 days!). All the same I really hope they have a blast...so sending good weather wishes that way.

Happy Sunday. There's more to life than hair.

Finally awake. 7 p.m.

Today was a full daze. No energy. Not so much nausea. But finally at 7 p.m. I am awake. Heading to Whole Foods to grab some grub I can stomach. Mmmmmm red beans & rice sounds hella good. Caroline - if your reading this! My salad today was bomb! Put me right back to sleep ;)

Love & happiness,

B

First one is DONE & DONE!

Whooah. I do feel a little queesy. And a lot out of it. But honestly not nearly as bad as I would have thought. In fact after finding a vein (I was told repeatedly that I don't have good veins,..they are just very small) the chemo started. No real issues. Thank God for the great Chemo nurses.

Cooper & Shelli were there to support me. Which made it so much fun, I almost forgot at moments what I was really there for.

I am told I will get sick tomorrow and on Friday the most. So I guess I will prepare myself. But I am thinking positively. And actually really o.k. with losing my hair, so long as I cut it short first.

Ahhhh. Off to take more nausia meds & then off to bed.

Tomorrow means 1 down, 7 to go!!

Today like most days lately I found myself a little overwhelmed with appreciation for those around me.

Today I am especially thankful for:

My amazing daughter, who says things like "I wuv you sew mush Momma" (she really can annunciate, but because she says it in a cutesy voice it comes out sounding just like that. She also now says (because of the children's book "Chemo Cat") "Momma you hair gonna fall out, it's o.k., I hold it for you." Sophia had her first day at the "big school" today & she did great!

My better half Cooper. Who told me today as I was heading to pick Sophia up from school that I should come down for a hug. When I drove up to see him, he stepped outside to reveal his newly and completely shaved (nearly bald) head! Anyone that knows Cooper (unless you knew him at the age of 10) has never seen him with a serious buzz cut. He just doesn't do it. It honestly makes me feel better about losing my hair. We will be funny & bald together. And I love him.

My friends. Who not only have kept me inspired and strong, but who remind me of the great future ahead. Who keep me motivated to press on & not get wrapped up in the details. Shelli who has taken the day off tomorrow to hang with me in the chemo room and who brought me my precious dream box to get me through the tough times ahead. Michelle who continuously calls to make sure I'm doing alright and "keeps it light" :) Jaclyn who plans to go to Dim Sum with me on Sunday...3 days after my first chemo. I dunno about that one..chicken feet might be a real agitator for my stomach..but I'm goin' anyway!

My Mom & Dad. Throughout this have been there to listen and support me in many ways.

SEVEN. Has given me the great gift of focusing on my mental & physical health through the next few months and who have been supportive of my diagnosis & treatment through the entire year.

All the strong women that have gone through this before me. Who have gone through worse than I have. Living or not have taken the time & courage to share their stories. I am inspired.

So tomorrow at 8 a.m. I will drive a few blocks to Seattle Cancer Care Alliance. Get my blood drawn & step into the chemo room. Don't think I will ever be ready to start. But I sure as hell will be ready to get this over with. Tomorrow marks 1 down. Only 7 more to go!

I choose laughter.

So the date is set. Details still to be ironed out. But my super intense chemo will start next week, Wednesday the 2nd. Got mad again last night. SCCA gave Sophia a book; "Chemo Cat" that is for children so they can better understand what their parents are going through. Now Sophia keeps asking me "Momma, you not gonna lose you hair?" I am gonna let Cooper read that one for now one, too tough to get through without bawling. Just frustrated that I am going to go through some of the most toxic of all chemo treatments to reduce my risk by 4%. Maybe more,..so I will hope for the best. Again I know, I know I could not live with myself if I do not go through with this & later do have distant relapse. So F#@* it...I will.

I went out two days ago & bought a box of hair dye. For a woman who works in a salon this is a big NO NO! But I though F.It..I am gonna have a little fun. For me doing it myself is a small adventure. It turned out a bit heinous. So today I did it again, only darker. Not so bad. Blonde to brown. Not nearly as dramatic as bald as a baby's butt will be :) I keep running my fingers through my hair. Realizing that in just a few short weeks, it will be gone. I keep thinking about my first day of chemo. How I have opted to try intraveinous first before agreeing to use a port. Which may be a stupid idea. So this is one of those details I may need to iron out. But I do keep thinking about that first surge of chemicals running through my veins. Wondering will I get sick while I am hooked up? Will I throw up in the chemo room or when I get home. Not a matter of if but when.

I am committed to no longer going on the internet and reading all of the horrible other side effects that occur for some women. I'll just take it as it comes. And the biggest decision that I have made today is to make light of the situation. Because the idea of always being positive is not reasonable. And the idea of always being strong,..that is silly too. But what I know I can do is laugh. Hell, I laughed when I woke up from my mastectomy. Maybe that was from the heavy drugs...but I still laughed. Before the decision was made to go through with chemo I had a great conversation with my friend Andy. It has been so long since I laughed hard enough to cry. I really thought I might pee my pants. (Sorry, but very true). That is the kind of medicine I'm gonna need more of. If anyone out there has a great story or really great joke, the kind that makes you almost pee your pants...I want to hear about it!!

Went into work today for the last time in awhile. Very weird feeling. I am so lucky for the people in my life. So grateful for the compassion and true friendship that they have shown me. Not feeling alone is huge. I am not alone.

On the edge..ready to jump in.

So this is my first time blogging...ever. Shelli gave me the idea today and I really like it. I think it is really important for us human beings to share our experiences. Be honest and up front about life's challenges.

My challenge is breast cancer.

Diagnosed with DCIS in February of 2009, I already knew. The initial diagnosis was hopeful almost light hearted. I was scared about the possibility of surgery, but was assured that it looked like DCIS (stage 0) was all that was there. "There is always a chance that invasive cancer will be found, but highly unlikely" the doctor told me.
In April of 2009 I said goodbye to both of my small and humble breasts. Surgery down in California went very well. No major complications and felt better in a few days. Mostly because of my wonderful friends & family who came down to UCLA to support me during my 2 weeks stay.

Pathology results came back after the tissue was further disected. They had found 2 small areas of invasive cancer. Small but as you may know, once invasive,..still dangerous. My surgical oncologist assured me I would "most likely" not need chemo. Tamoxafin maybe,..but chemo didn't seem to be needed.

So here I am, August 27th. Waiting for my first chemo treatment next week. I hooked up with a great oncologist, Julie Gralow at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance. Really like and trust her. After reviewing my case and running the invasive cancer through more testing we found the risk of metastatic reoccurance to be too high. With Tamoxafin partnered with 8 rounds of chemo my risk of metastatic cancer (= death) in 10 years decreases to about 5-8%. I'll take that risk and deal with being sick, losing my hair and normal life for 4-5 months to gain 40 more years of life.

After making this decision yesterday I felt alone. Scared and a little lost. Left SCCA sobbing. Trying not to make a scene as I walked past the other patients in the waiting area. After all I have to be strong. If not for me, than for others. Sometimes cancer just sucks. And there is no other way to look at it. I didn't choose this. I don't want to deal with it. I just have to.
I started thinking,..how am I going to continue working in the salon? I will have NO HAIR. I will not be wearing a wig. It is a choice that is great for some, just not for me. So how is this going to work?

O.K., getting a little distracted by the "dance your ass off" tv ad.

Then a call from my dear friend Shelli. I started to cry. Which I did not want to do on the phone. But couldn't help feeling like I could just be weak on the phone with her. She tells me "We're gonna get through this".. First step to not feeling alone. I have a great partner, Cooper. He has been so supportive. But in a sense I feel guilty for putting so much pressure on him over the last year. He carries alot of the burden for our family. Knowing that you have friends who love and support you on this journey has helped myself and my family more than I could explain in words.

Then I spoke to a few other friends, my Dad and Mom. By the end of the day yesterday I felt o.k. Yup..I am o.k. But I can honestly say that without the support of loved ones,..this would be a very difficult endeavor. Now..I am really ready to fight like a girl. Kick cancer's ass. And move on in 2010 with my beautiful and full life.

Much love to my friends, family and to my SEVEN family. This organization that I work for is unbelievable in so many ways. I am so blessed to be a part of it.

Love, Love, Love!!!