I choose laughter.

So the date is set. Details still to be ironed out. But my super intense chemo will start next week, Wednesday the 2nd. Got mad again last night. SCCA gave Sophia a book; "Chemo Cat" that is for children so they can better understand what their parents are going through. Now Sophia keeps asking me "Momma, you not gonna lose you hair?" I am gonna let Cooper read that one for now one, too tough to get through without bawling. Just frustrated that I am going to go through some of the most toxic of all chemo treatments to reduce my risk by 4%. Maybe more,..so I will hope for the best. Again I know, I know I could not live with myself if I do not go through with this & later do have distant relapse. So F#@* it...I will.

I went out two days ago & bought a box of hair dye. For a woman who works in a salon this is a big NO NO! But I though F.It..I am gonna have a little fun. For me doing it myself is a small adventure. It turned out a bit heinous. So today I did it again, only darker. Not so bad. Blonde to brown. Not nearly as dramatic as bald as a baby's butt will be :) I keep running my fingers through my hair. Realizing that in just a few short weeks, it will be gone. I keep thinking about my first day of chemo. How I have opted to try intraveinous first before agreeing to use a port. Which may be a stupid idea. So this is one of those details I may need to iron out. But I do keep thinking about that first surge of chemicals running through my veins. Wondering will I get sick while I am hooked up? Will I throw up in the chemo room or when I get home. Not a matter of if but when.

I am committed to no longer going on the internet and reading all of the horrible other side effects that occur for some women. I'll just take it as it comes. And the biggest decision that I have made today is to make light of the situation. Because the idea of always being positive is not reasonable. And the idea of always being strong,..that is silly too. But what I know I can do is laugh. Hell, I laughed when I woke up from my mastectomy. Maybe that was from the heavy drugs...but I still laughed. Before the decision was made to go through with chemo I had a great conversation with my friend Andy. It has been so long since I laughed hard enough to cry. I really thought I might pee my pants. (Sorry, but very true). That is the kind of medicine I'm gonna need more of. If anyone out there has a great story or really great joke, the kind that makes you almost pee your pants...I want to hear about it!!

Went into work today for the last time in awhile. Very weird feeling. I am so lucky for the people in my life. So grateful for the compassion and true friendship that they have shown me. Not feeling alone is huge. I am not alone.

On the edge..ready to jump in.

So this is my first time blogging...ever. Shelli gave me the idea today and I really like it. I think it is really important for us human beings to share our experiences. Be honest and up front about life's challenges.

My challenge is breast cancer.

Diagnosed with DCIS in February of 2009, I already knew. The initial diagnosis was hopeful almost light hearted. I was scared about the possibility of surgery, but was assured that it looked like DCIS (stage 0) was all that was there. "There is always a chance that invasive cancer will be found, but highly unlikely" the doctor told me.
In April of 2009 I said goodbye to both of my small and humble breasts. Surgery down in California went very well. No major complications and felt better in a few days. Mostly because of my wonderful friends & family who came down to UCLA to support me during my 2 weeks stay.

Pathology results came back after the tissue was further disected. They had found 2 small areas of invasive cancer. Small but as you may know, once invasive,..still dangerous. My surgical oncologist assured me I would "most likely" not need chemo. Tamoxafin maybe,..but chemo didn't seem to be needed.

So here I am, August 27th. Waiting for my first chemo treatment next week. I hooked up with a great oncologist, Julie Gralow at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance. Really like and trust her. After reviewing my case and running the invasive cancer through more testing we found the risk of metastatic reoccurance to be too high. With Tamoxafin partnered with 8 rounds of chemo my risk of metastatic cancer (= death) in 10 years decreases to about 5-8%. I'll take that risk and deal with being sick, losing my hair and normal life for 4-5 months to gain 40 more years of life.

After making this decision yesterday I felt alone. Scared and a little lost. Left SCCA sobbing. Trying not to make a scene as I walked past the other patients in the waiting area. After all I have to be strong. If not for me, than for others. Sometimes cancer just sucks. And there is no other way to look at it. I didn't choose this. I don't want to deal with it. I just have to.
I started thinking,..how am I going to continue working in the salon? I will have NO HAIR. I will not be wearing a wig. It is a choice that is great for some, just not for me. So how is this going to work?

O.K., getting a little distracted by the "dance your ass off" tv ad.

Then a call from my dear friend Shelli. I started to cry. Which I did not want to do on the phone. But couldn't help feeling like I could just be weak on the phone with her. She tells me "We're gonna get through this".. First step to not feeling alone. I have a great partner, Cooper. He has been so supportive. But in a sense I feel guilty for putting so much pressure on him over the last year. He carries alot of the burden for our family. Knowing that you have friends who love and support you on this journey has helped myself and my family more than I could explain in words.

Then I spoke to a few other friends, my Dad and Mom. By the end of the day yesterday I felt o.k. Yup..I am o.k. But I can honestly say that without the support of loved ones,..this would be a very difficult endeavor. Now..I am really ready to fight like a girl. Kick cancer's ass. And move on in 2010 with my beautiful and full life.

Much love to my friends, family and to my SEVEN family. This organization that I work for is unbelievable in so many ways. I am so blessed to be a part of it.

Love, Love, Love!!!