I choose laughter.

So the date is set. Details still to be ironed out. But my super intense chemo will start next week, Wednesday the 2nd. Got mad again last night. SCCA gave Sophia a book; "Chemo Cat" that is for children so they can better understand what their parents are going through. Now Sophia keeps asking me "Momma, you not gonna lose you hair?" I am gonna let Cooper read that one for now one, too tough to get through without bawling. Just frustrated that I am going to go through some of the most toxic of all chemo treatments to reduce my risk by 4%. Maybe more,..so I will hope for the best. Again I know, I know I could not live with myself if I do not go through with this & later do have distant relapse. So F#@* it...I will.

I went out two days ago & bought a box of hair dye. For a woman who works in a salon this is a big NO NO! But I though F.It..I am gonna have a little fun. For me doing it myself is a small adventure. It turned out a bit heinous. So today I did it again, only darker. Not so bad. Blonde to brown. Not nearly as dramatic as bald as a baby's butt will be :) I keep running my fingers through my hair. Realizing that in just a few short weeks, it will be gone. I keep thinking about my first day of chemo. How I have opted to try intraveinous first before agreeing to use a port. Which may be a stupid idea. So this is one of those details I may need to iron out. But I do keep thinking about that first surge of chemicals running through my veins. Wondering will I get sick while I am hooked up? Will I throw up in the chemo room or when I get home. Not a matter of if but when.

I am committed to no longer going on the internet and reading all of the horrible other side effects that occur for some women. I'll just take it as it comes. And the biggest decision that I have made today is to make light of the situation. Because the idea of always being positive is not reasonable. And the idea of always being strong,..that is silly too. But what I know I can do is laugh. Hell, I laughed when I woke up from my mastectomy. Maybe that was from the heavy drugs...but I still laughed. Before the decision was made to go through with chemo I had a great conversation with my friend Andy. It has been so long since I laughed hard enough to cry. I really thought I might pee my pants. (Sorry, but very true). That is the kind of medicine I'm gonna need more of. If anyone out there has a great story or really great joke, the kind that makes you almost pee your pants...I want to hear about it!!

Went into work today for the last time in awhile. Very weird feeling. I am so lucky for the people in my life. So grateful for the compassion and true friendship that they have shown me. Not feeling alone is huge. I am not alone.