Decisions.

Over 3 weeks into my treatment I have started to notice my immune system is definitely taking a hit. I look at this as a challenge. As a learning experience that will make me all the stronger and more healthy after the chemo is out of the equation.

Changes as little as a bug bit on my leg that has over a week to heal. As well as working a 9 hour day & coming home absolutely exhausted. Waking up the next day to a sore throat & body aches. My knees are so sore and almost feel arthritic. Hard to walk up and down the steps. And then there is the lack of energy that makes it really tough to exercise. Therefore minor weight fluxuations. All of this is actually pretty normal in terms of chemotherapy patients. But things that at 29 I have never really dealt with. I can't say for sure all of the above are due to supressed immune system. Some may be me being a little over sensitive. I like to call it being proactively aware.

Long story short; I have decided to go with my gut instinct. I guess there is not right or wrong answer when it comes to long term health. It is just what you feel is right for you. For me growing up my Mother was very much into natural medicine; good nutrition being the first part to this. In my adult life this carried over intermitently. I however am lazy. My busy life, blah, blah, blah..I can make many excuses. I let life carry me vs. caring for myself.

I have been told by members of my medical team that I should eat whatever I want. But on the other hand told that my tastebuds and cravings would be off as chemo tends to do that. ???? So if I crave cheetos I should eat those all the time? Um no. I don't think so.

First there was Chelsea and Paula who inspired me. My birthday present from Chels this year was the Superfoods book by Steven Pratt MD. Thumbing through it first. And then going back to take notes. Next Shelli has given me information on MonaVie juice for months now. Even giving me several bottles to try. Good stuff.

And then yesterday I met two of Shelli's and now I'd like to think my friends as well, Lisa and Kim. They cared enough to come to my house to talk to me about what they have learned and read both about alternate and parallel options during and after my treatment. Kim after speaking with Shelli had heard I was interested in a raw diet. Lending 5 or 6 books to me regarding nutrition as well as info on health & wellness spas across the country.

I put the books aside yesterday and went back to my crazy cravings. Pizza, cheetos, salad, peaches, cheese, etc. But realizing that I felt like crap. A switch turned on in my brain. My inner voice was telling me something like "If you eat like shit, your gonna feel like shit,...you know better!" And it's true.

So I woke up today. Cracked open the "Raw Family" book by Victoria Boutenko and read. Her entire family had serious health problems. Different than mine, but equal in severity. The common theme of all of my books on nutrition is the thought that our body is not the enemy. Our body is an amazing system that wants to heal. But if I am not helping it in every way to do it's job to it's maximum capacity by fueling it properly...it will not.

Why would I temp fate by eating horribly? I know I am smarter than that. My Mother taught me better. (she will love that comment).

So I cleaned out my refrigerator. (aside from the food that I know Sophia & Cooper would not want me to toss). And headed to Chaco Canyon for my first raw dinner. And then to Whole Foods for my first raw food shopping trip.

I cannot say I will be 100% raw all the time. I would like to. I will dedicate the next 3 months to it. But I am Italian & I love my pasta!! But I can say no more meat. And anything that I consume will be to nurish my body.

And when I get my energy back. I will run every morning before work. I can hardly wait.

Oh and the unbaked brownies are hella good! If you've never had a raw brownie...I highly recommend you try one.

Just want to give love to my dear friend Shelli. She was a friend before the cancer. Never let me fail, never let's me make excuses. And throughout my cancer diagnosis and treatment has really been one of my angels.

Yesterday as I was standing in the shower with just tons of hair falling out everywhere...I get out and there is a text from Shelli. Literally ready to do it myself,..and a sigh of relief that she will be over right away to help.

So Shelli came over and that was that. My head is now totally shaved from what is left of not already being bald. And I am free. Liberated of the horror of having to watch it all fall out. Just another step in the process. But just another step that I got to laugh with my dear friend Shelli. Dunno how at a time like this there were no tears and only laughter...I guess it has to do with the company.

Ugh. Visualize I'm in Hawaii.

Today was round 2. AC/Doxyrubicin (spell?) and Cytoxin/Cytocin?. Ugh spelling those words makes me nauseous. My brain is very fuzzy so I won't write a whole lot. But wish I could write more.

My hair has stared falling out. It is now super short and although a very cute cut compliments of my beautiful and dedicated friend Jaclyn. The fear of soon losing all of it is in the back of my mind daily. I think once it is just gone,..it will not be so big of a thing. But as a woman and a very girly girl...I definitely identify part of my femininity and beauty with my hair. This year has been tough. I lost my breasts, both of them. And yes I have a great new set. But it is not the same to me as a woman. I feel a pity party coming on. And I think it's o.k. today. Today I will allow myself to be sad. Today I will feel the loss of even though superficial things,..still they were my superficial things.

I am learning to be stronger. I am understanding that femininity does not come from any one body part or moreover your looks. All the same it is a tough thing to go through at 29.

I really want to feel carefree again. I drove with Cooper around town after my chemo treatment because I wanted to open the window and feel the wind blowing through my hair. It will be awhile, but it is one of those little things we take for granted. Just how good it feels. Even taking for granted how good it feels to be healthy & alive. I pray that this will be the last of my personal battle with cancer. I pray that the chemo will wipe out ANY cells that may be floating around in my blood stream. Knock 'em out forever! I pray that I can move on in January 2010 to a healthy and active life.

Although I am not a highly religious person, I still believe there is a greater force. I know that I would not have been given this challenge of a gift...had I not been able to handle it. As well as make something of it to continue to be an advocate for other young women in the future. We are all connected in some way. I have felt so supported, loved and cared for. I have strengthened friendships and developed new ones with some of the best people I have ever known. It really does bring out the best in people. I am unbelievably humbled and appreciative. My birthday this year was honestly the best ever. Both my surprise gathering at Gaucho that Chelsea and Cooper organized as well as my small house party. I could go on and on about how blessed I am. But what it comes down to is I can't wait to give back both to those I love and are close to as well as to the greater good.

And yes. I have lost my god given, humble rack. And have all kinds of crazy shit happen to my body. I am not defined by those things.

My mind is strong. And I can still smile. Thank God I can still smile. So much to look forward to. Today I am going to imagine our next trip to Maui. Going to the cliff where the profile picture was taken. Open my arms and let the wind whip around my face and body. Back to where I was at 25, exactly 4 years ago this week. But now stronger and happier. Living a fuller life.

29 is feelin' just fine.

Reflecting on my 29 years and sitting in the reality of this years events. Today I am so lucky. Today I was also a jerk to Cooper. I want to be completely changed by the severity of my situation/diagnosis. But I seem to slip back into the minutia from time to time.

I keep thinking that in this year and every year going forward I want to focus on what is really important. I want to not try to overstretch myself in so many directions that I am spread thin. But focus on the key factors that make myself and those around me happy. Be a good Mom. Be a good partner. Be a good friend. Those three things are the most important to me. Those are the things that lose meaning when I become too OCD about other worldly things.

Today I met up with Shannon and her friend Brad to help cheer for the walkers of the 3 day walk for Breast Cancer. Thousands of people collect at least $2,200 a peice to walk 6o miles in 3 days. All of this money goes to breast cancer research. Millions of dollars are raised across the country. This is an outstanding display of human compassion and dedication. So Sophia & I brought juice, popsicles, candy, stickers & bubbles to give to the walkers. My appreciation for them is immense. Many of whom have been affected by this disease. Many of whom have lost loved ones and now walk in their memory. I will most definitely be walking next year.

I am a person who needs purpose and also who needs to focus on what is important daily. Because I am too all over the place otherwise. In addition I need to remember what is not important and just let it go. It is cyclical otherwise and not healthy.

No more appologies, I just have to change. So year 29 will be about me changing how I see the world and how I respond to those around me. I cannot expect anyone else to make this change for me. No more excuses. No more laziness. Be the change you want to see...and I will.

Hair today,..gone tomorrow.

Well. I am not 100% sure, because obviously I am hyper aware of my hair these days. But I do believe we have lift off. Starting to thin out for sure.

Let's look on the bright side. Without hair I will:

1. Be able to use 1 good cleanser on all parts of my body.
2. My cheekbones will stand out more ;) I keep telling myself this, but at 28 (29 in 2 days) I still only have chipmunk cheeks. It's genetic.
3. Like my chemo nurse said, I just need a nose ring & I will look totally punk rock.
4. Not have to air wave my hair every morning. Much less maintainence over all.
5. Will learn to love myself more for who I am inside.
6. Will learn who really loves me for just me.

So there it is.

I am hoping for good weather today for Chris & Kelley's trip to the Gorge. Coop & I were supposed to go to for my birthday present (Big Dave fan & I am definitely going next year for all 3 days!). All the same I really hope they have a blast...so sending good weather wishes that way.

Happy Sunday. There's more to life than hair.

Finally awake. 7 p.m.

Today was a full daze. No energy. Not so much nausea. But finally at 7 p.m. I am awake. Heading to Whole Foods to grab some grub I can stomach. Mmmmmm red beans & rice sounds hella good. Caroline - if your reading this! My salad today was bomb! Put me right back to sleep ;)

Love & happiness,

B

First one is DONE & DONE!

Whooah. I do feel a little queesy. And a lot out of it. But honestly not nearly as bad as I would have thought. In fact after finding a vein (I was told repeatedly that I don't have good veins,..they are just very small) the chemo started. No real issues. Thank God for the great Chemo nurses.

Cooper & Shelli were there to support me. Which made it so much fun, I almost forgot at moments what I was really there for.

I am told I will get sick tomorrow and on Friday the most. So I guess I will prepare myself. But I am thinking positively. And actually really o.k. with losing my hair, so long as I cut it short first.

Ahhhh. Off to take more nausia meds & then off to bed.

Tomorrow means 1 down, 7 to go!!

Today like most days lately I found myself a little overwhelmed with appreciation for those around me.

Today I am especially thankful for:

My amazing daughter, who says things like "I wuv you sew mush Momma" (she really can annunciate, but because she says it in a cutesy voice it comes out sounding just like that. She also now says (because of the children's book "Chemo Cat") "Momma you hair gonna fall out, it's o.k., I hold it for you." Sophia had her first day at the "big school" today & she did great!

My better half Cooper. Who told me today as I was heading to pick Sophia up from school that I should come down for a hug. When I drove up to see him, he stepped outside to reveal his newly and completely shaved (nearly bald) head! Anyone that knows Cooper (unless you knew him at the age of 10) has never seen him with a serious buzz cut. He just doesn't do it. It honestly makes me feel better about losing my hair. We will be funny & bald together. And I love him.

My friends. Who not only have kept me inspired and strong, but who remind me of the great future ahead. Who keep me motivated to press on & not get wrapped up in the details. Shelli who has taken the day off tomorrow to hang with me in the chemo room and who brought me my precious dream box to get me through the tough times ahead. Michelle who continuously calls to make sure I'm doing alright and "keeps it light" :) Jaclyn who plans to go to Dim Sum with me on Sunday...3 days after my first chemo. I dunno about that one..chicken feet might be a real agitator for my stomach..but I'm goin' anyway!

My Mom & Dad. Throughout this have been there to listen and support me in many ways.

SEVEN. Has given me the great gift of focusing on my mental & physical health through the next few months and who have been supportive of my diagnosis & treatment through the entire year.

All the strong women that have gone through this before me. Who have gone through worse than I have. Living or not have taken the time & courage to share their stories. I am inspired.

So tomorrow at 8 a.m. I will drive a few blocks to Seattle Cancer Care Alliance. Get my blood drawn & step into the chemo room. Don't think I will ever be ready to start. But I sure as hell will be ready to get this over with. Tomorrow marks 1 down. Only 7 more to go!