Ugh. Visualize I'm in Hawaii.

Today was round 2. AC/Doxyrubicin (spell?) and Cytoxin/Cytocin?. Ugh spelling those words makes me nauseous. My brain is very fuzzy so I won't write a whole lot. But wish I could write more.

My hair has stared falling out. It is now super short and although a very cute cut compliments of my beautiful and dedicated friend Jaclyn. The fear of soon losing all of it is in the back of my mind daily. I think once it is just gone,..it will not be so big of a thing. But as a woman and a very girly girl...I definitely identify part of my femininity and beauty with my hair. This year has been tough. I lost my breasts, both of them. And yes I have a great new set. But it is not the same to me as a woman. I feel a pity party coming on. And I think it's o.k. today. Today I will allow myself to be sad. Today I will feel the loss of even though superficial things,..still they were my superficial things.

I am learning to be stronger. I am understanding that femininity does not come from any one body part or moreover your looks. All the same it is a tough thing to go through at 29.

I really want to feel carefree again. I drove with Cooper around town after my chemo treatment because I wanted to open the window and feel the wind blowing through my hair. It will be awhile, but it is one of those little things we take for granted. Just how good it feels. Even taking for granted how good it feels to be healthy & alive. I pray that this will be the last of my personal battle with cancer. I pray that the chemo will wipe out ANY cells that may be floating around in my blood stream. Knock 'em out forever! I pray that I can move on in January 2010 to a healthy and active life.

Although I am not a highly religious person, I still believe there is a greater force. I know that I would not have been given this challenge of a gift...had I not been able to handle it. As well as make something of it to continue to be an advocate for other young women in the future. We are all connected in some way. I have felt so supported, loved and cared for. I have strengthened friendships and developed new ones with some of the best people I have ever known. It really does bring out the best in people. I am unbelievably humbled and appreciative. My birthday this year was honestly the best ever. Both my surprise gathering at Gaucho that Chelsea and Cooper organized as well as my small house party. I could go on and on about how blessed I am. But what it comes down to is I can't wait to give back both to those I love and are close to as well as to the greater good.

And yes. I have lost my god given, humble rack. And have all kinds of crazy shit happen to my body. I am not defined by those things.

My mind is strong. And I can still smile. Thank God I can still smile. So much to look forward to. Today I am going to imagine our next trip to Maui. Going to the cliff where the profile picture was taken. Open my arms and let the wind whip around my face and body. Back to where I was at 25, exactly 4 years ago this week. But now stronger and happier. Living a fuller life.