SonUva..you know what!

Well. I underestimated Taxol. Still better than AC. But the pain really set in today. This morning to be exact.

Woke up to Sophia screaming Momma!!!! Got out of bed and literally felt like I had aged 30 years. My joints, muscles and even feels like bones ache. Every step. Cramps everywhere. As I walked down the steps,..Sampson (our dog) had left a nice little (not little at all) mess at the bottom of our carpeted steps. Good thing I do not have nausea like before because cleaning up dog poop as many of you know is not a great way to start the day. Pushed through the morning and got dressed. Went to work and failed miserably at trying to be any help to anyone. And of course I didn't put much thought into my shoe selection. High heel pumps. I suppose I thought the cramping would go away. Not so much.

Sleep isn't coming easy either these days. Advil does not work. Oh well.

Still excited for tomorrow. Hoping the cramping goes away a little if not completely so that I can go to work for a little while. But pumpkin patch with Sophia in the a.m....hopefully. Not gonna let it slow me down. At least too much.

Big sigh of relief.

After today I have only 3..that's right 3 treatments left to go.

Nervous as always when I entered to infusion room..18 this time they called out at the desk on the 5th floor at SCCA. I was denied EMEND (which is the anti nausea meds I had been taking) this morning for my typical quick pickup at 8 a.m. But was assured that I did not need it. My though was,.."Great!" So I will only have a little nausea.

They knocked me on my butt with the Benedryl concoction given with the chemo drug Taxol. It was put in with IV and very concentrated. My vision went blurry and it literally felt like an instant tranquilizer. Very weird. Now I know how animals that escape from the zoo feel. But it did put me to sleep. I started babbling to Shelli. The last thing I remember was talking to her about Lake Chelan and how nice it would be to have a girls weekend on the water. And I was out!

Woken up to administer the Taxol..then three hours later and just about to pee my pants from all the fluids. I was done! And NO NAUSEA! None at all. The nurses said I could experience muscle and joint pain..but none yet.

Thank you God! I am fine. Just REALLY SLEEPY.

I read too many of the Breast Cancer support blogs. Mostly good, but sometimes it fills my head with what could happen.."Oh my gosh, what if that is me" kinda stuff. But I have been super lucky. Especially today. The end of this crap is near. After today only 3 more treatments.

And then it's "on like Donkey Kong" to the gym, running in the a.m., spending more active quality time with family and friends. And yes..back to my rad job on a full time basis. Living my life. And a little hair would be cool too. :)

Perspective.

I was hesitant to write about this because I want to be respectful to the person who it involves. But it also has had an impact; not on my direct world and emotions toward that individual...rather a slap in the face perspective regarding how I feel about my family, their health and overall how fragile we all are.

So here goes...
I found out last week that an old friend was diagnosed with cancer as well. Someone I used to be very close to and for reasons that I would rather leave unsaid I no longer am in contact with and think it is best to keep that door closed. All the same it still stings when you hear that anyone you know or knew is in pain regardless of the circumstances. I received this information from a text message. Which also makes it a bit more in your face. However as I do not wish to open that door again the text was appropriate.

Again out of respect for that person and the situation I won't blog what type or what was said. On that very same day I also found out another individual I know has a brain tumor. Oh and another person that I am close to has another family member with a brain tumor. Neither of which are for sure cancer. But all the same, gut wrenching.

It is not because I have breast cancer that these people are sharing these things with me if you are wondering. One person still does not know that I do. The other two would have told me regardless.

So down to the point....
Something in my mind has completely flipped. I am angry at the fact that we are so fragile. But at the same time am so much less afraid of death. I am more afraid of not living life to the fullest. That phrase is used so often. And "fullest" means different things to different people. Could mean "I am going to do all the scary things I never thought I could do...sky dive, bungee jump, swim with great white sharks (I really want to do this although this perspective is not mine regarding the daredevil complex)" and for some it means "go to every corner of the globe and see everything I can see"...

To me living life to the fullest has become a more organic. I used to be very closed off. Almost fearful of letting people in. Allowing myself to be open to not only rejection, but to loss. Let me say I am and always will be a reader of people. And very protective of my family. Not everyone should be a close friend or even acquaintance. But for myself personally I have missed out on a lot of human connection with people who are very special and worthy of opening up to because of those two words "rejection & loss". Regardless of how those feelings crept in and became part of my psyche...they have lived here for my entire adult life.

No longer. And no longer will I take my partner or family members for granted. Again the phrase "for granted" means different things to each person. But I want to be more grateful and loving to those I am closest to.

In the past few days I find myself looking at Coop and thinking, "really I don't know what I would do if anything happened to you. I just love him with all my heart." He is the strong one in not just my life, but for his friends, coworkers, family. He is the rock. But as I am finding out..everyone is fragile. We are human.

Thinking that with my closest family particularly Cooper and Sophia if anything were to happen I would wish so strongly that I could trade places with them. I would want to take their pain even if it meant it would be worse for me. That in my situation now it is easy for me because I do not have to see my loved ones physically in pain. I can muscle through anything as long as it is mine.

So I have been less critical and will remain this way. More tolerant. More kind and soft hearted. More open and vulnerable to those I love. I want Cooper, Sophia and every friend and family member to know that I love them deeply. We are flesh and bone. This is not permanent. And no one knows when we will receive the "diagnosis", the "phone call" or whatever it may be.

And embracing the fact that at the end of the day with anything. You can only do "your" personal best. But if I am not giving my best to those closest to me first. Life is not full. I do not want to have regrets with those I call my "heart".

That is all. Thanks for reading. And I love you.

Tassles and Toned Booty. I'm motivated.

I am sitting in Zoka Coffee shop,..Greenwood, Seattle, WA. Beautiful Fall day. Leaves; orange, yellow and brown blowing all around the streets and into peoples hair. I had one stick to my red cap today.

I should really write this stuff in my personal journal, because I am fully aware that the mundane details of my day, the week or seasons do not make for an interesting blog. But since I am here with my computer and free wi fi,..I will write.

Woke up today after a fun night of Burlesque at El Gaucho last night. A sigh of relief for Cooper that the entire dinner show last night went off phenomenally. I for one had never seen a burlesque show before last night. Much like I had expected. And absolutely loved that the female performers came in all different and beautiful shapes, sizes and colors. Costumes as well!! So fun!

Getting out of the house last night,..not so fun. Applying lot's of drag(ish) makeup, easy. Thank you MAC cosmetics for the few years of training. Hair..not an issue. Thank you Jaclyn! for the freekin' fantastic Blue Wig! I love that thing. But the "chemo bloat" is in full force mid way through treatment now. I have literally gained 10 lbs since August '09. SICK. Now I will not continue to write and beat myself up publicly as well as privately. As I know how irritating it can sound from another person..whining and playing the victim to weight gain.

I do however want to illustrate that as part of my experience with cancer this is one toll that the treatment/process has taken on my body. It is the reality of the situation. And although I hate to be a statistic,..it happens to many women going through the same treatment process.

Stripping you down. Taking so much of the physical away. February 13th, 2009 to now. I barely feel like myself, at times don't recognize myself in the mirror. But my mind is still in tact. So that is the thread I will hang onto.

Coop & I stayed up late last night. Talking, laughing. Reminiscing about when we first met. He described the outfit I wore the second time we went to dinner at Lola. I barely remembered,..but he could recount every detail. We met in March of 2005. So much has changed. So much for the better. I wouldn't go back or trade and portion of my life. Lessons learned. Love has grown and vulnerability is no longer a weakness, but a conscious decision to open up.
I will however celebrate our 5th anniversary this year while wearing the jeans that I met Cooper in. If I have to wake my lazy ass up every G.D. morning starting on December 16th (1 week after last treatment) to run for 45 min. I WILL!

oh,..And Chelsea & I will also be taking Burlesque Dancing Classes at Miss Indigo Blue's Academy in 2010. 6 week course. Very exciting. And also very motivating. Can't wait to create my own "character"/Stage name. And the outfits! The lingerie! Eeeeek. But again,..one more reason to get my butt in perfect form. Tassels and shimmy shake make for a really great motivator! I wonder how the "girls" will move once I get my perfect new silicone pair? Potentially very comical.

Just gotta get through the next 2 months.

What the hell Chia Pet!?

Now I may need to do further consumer research to fully confirm. But today as I have come up with what might be my magnum opus of ideas...I also have come to find out that Chia Pet does not have any female chia heads or furthermore any female characters. Nope..All men.

Here I am with my idea of all ideas and I find this,..well...finding.

I think there needs to be a limited edition(to the month of October) Chia Pet for breast cancer. That's right. All pink Chia. Female only. Sorry dudes, yes you can get b.cancer as many may know. But the Chia as it is the first of it's kind would only come in female form.

Now the only decision left to make is...would it sell if you threw in that it's hair does not grow? Maybe 1 or 2 sprouts.

Thoughts?

1/2 way done as of today!

Just wanted to blog a little before I go in. My head is not in a fog now and will be later today and for several days after.

Today is the halfway mark. Today is my last nasty AC treatment. The "red" stuff. THANK GOD!!!!! I hope on all hopes that today goes smoothly. That nothing funny happens with the IV. I really don't want a port. And have been fine thus far.

I have gotten very used to the cycle of every two weeks feeling like shit. But I will be really stoked here on out for every treatment date as it approaches. Knowing I am one less to my end date.

I so want my life back. Very emotional every time I say or write that. I want to run, I want to exercise. I want to be able to take vitamins, eat raw sushi (my favorite food) and just feel like my body is my own. I will never again take these things for granted. Nor will I take my friends, my family, my job. I am so blessed. I just want to feel normal or whatever normal now is again.

Gotta go get ready. Super excited to hang out with Shelli and Cooper in the infusion room. Breakfast, coffee and chemo. Hmmmm. Odd pairing.

Sunday.

I am so ready to be finished with my treatment.

Almost halfway there. But I am in such a daze that I can barely remember what day it is. It has really overcome my body this time. I am most likely not making very much sense. My head is yet again in a fog.

I want my life back. Well. Not the same life as before as I think I do appreciate and understand much more. But I just want my mind and body back. December 9th....December 9th! Sorry to wish the Fall away as it is one of my favorite times. Halloween,..falling leaves, pumpkin patches and hay rides. Pumpkin and apple pie. Spiced cider. Football....ummm..aside from the commentary and bad commercials. And best of all Sophia, Cooper and Mia's birthday! Forgot gravy and Turkey. I love Fall. I'm going to do my best to remember and enjoy all of my very important memories in '09.

Gonna go play Little Mermaid with Sophia. At least I can keep up with my 3 year old and play fairytale stories with her. She is pretending that her legs are "shiny green tale"...as she sings.

3 of 4 and next just 4 more!

This time has been rough! Worst Nausea ever!! Just today I could stomach trying to eat cantaloupe. Which tastes decent, but not great. My preference would be nothing but if I do not eat occasionally it purpetuates more nausea. Same thing with the water intake. I have to flush out the toxins, but water tastes REALLY gross right now.

I wish I had something positive and uplifting to say.
Let's see: I am still feeling very supported. Shelli is my angel. She has managed in her busy schedule to come to all 3 of my infusion treatments. Amazing and so dedicated. And each time with she & Cooper around it lightens the mood. Almost fun. Aside from the needles and chemo. You know, that can be gross. But my nurses made it easy too. I heart Sandra Cunningham. Best nurse EVER! In all honestly the relationship stuff can be tough. Because you need so much from your partner. More than they could ever understand or predict. I just need to remember that this is my fight and I cannot expect him to read my mind. But my loving fiancee is off to Jamba Juice this morning to grab me a Mango a Go Go. Which typically I would not drink due to it's sugar content. But it is the ONLY thing I am craving this morning. Possibly the only thing I can hold down. Thanks Coop! Oh and another very positive and exciting thing is that this was dose 3 of 4 AC/Doxyrubicin treatments and then onto Taxol. AC is known to be the roughest. So just 1 more in 2 weeks from now and then I may be able to feel better sooner. And some women grow hair back on Taxol too! Let's hope ;)

I can say that the raw diet give or take a few cheats has served me well over the last 6 days. I really do crave mostly fresh fruits, vegetables and nuts/seeds. Very wierd, but I never was a huge meat fan to begin with. As a kid I would push all meat aside. And was a vegetarian of sorts in my high school years. Then bad habits formed after leaving Eugene, OR and moving to Portland. Seattle made it much worse because I became kind of a foodie. Foi Gras does not exactly fit into the health food category.

I know I can stick to at least 80-90% raw food diet. Occasionally I want pasta though!

Anyway I am excited for the 100 More Years auction at Shelli's church this Saturday. Hopefully my stomach will recover by that time. And I am super excited for Beth's visit next weekend! Eek have not seen her in forever. And I am still trying to upload pictures from the race this past Sunday where Chelsea, Adam, Jayme, Mizzy, Apryl, Leisy, her cousin and Cooper came out to support the NW Hope & Healing foundation. Only a 5K, but I actually enjoyed a little jogging and mostly goofing around and talking the whole way. Cooper came in last and was damn proud of it! I am debating over whether the NY marathon will be beneficial to me next year or if it will tear my body down more than strengthen both body & spirit. ?? Anyone who knows a medium athletic type who has run a full marathon that has any tips or suggestions,..send em my way!

Thanks for reading. Love, Hope and happiness.....Becky