Perspective.

I was hesitant to write about this because I want to be respectful to the person who it involves. But it also has had an impact; not on my direct world and emotions toward that individual...rather a slap in the face perspective regarding how I feel about my family, their health and overall how fragile we all are.

So here goes...
I found out last week that an old friend was diagnosed with cancer as well. Someone I used to be very close to and for reasons that I would rather leave unsaid I no longer am in contact with and think it is best to keep that door closed. All the same it still stings when you hear that anyone you know or knew is in pain regardless of the circumstances. I received this information from a text message. Which also makes it a bit more in your face. However as I do not wish to open that door again the text was appropriate.

Again out of respect for that person and the situation I won't blog what type or what was said. On that very same day I also found out another individual I know has a brain tumor. Oh and another person that I am close to has another family member with a brain tumor. Neither of which are for sure cancer. But all the same, gut wrenching.

It is not because I have breast cancer that these people are sharing these things with me if you are wondering. One person still does not know that I do. The other two would have told me regardless.

So down to the point....
Something in my mind has completely flipped. I am angry at the fact that we are so fragile. But at the same time am so much less afraid of death. I am more afraid of not living life to the fullest. That phrase is used so often. And "fullest" means different things to different people. Could mean "I am going to do all the scary things I never thought I could do...sky dive, bungee jump, swim with great white sharks (I really want to do this although this perspective is not mine regarding the daredevil complex)" and for some it means "go to every corner of the globe and see everything I can see"...

To me living life to the fullest has become a more organic. I used to be very closed off. Almost fearful of letting people in. Allowing myself to be open to not only rejection, but to loss. Let me say I am and always will be a reader of people. And very protective of my family. Not everyone should be a close friend or even acquaintance. But for myself personally I have missed out on a lot of human connection with people who are very special and worthy of opening up to because of those two words "rejection & loss". Regardless of how those feelings crept in and became part of my psyche...they have lived here for my entire adult life.

No longer. And no longer will I take my partner or family members for granted. Again the phrase "for granted" means different things to each person. But I want to be more grateful and loving to those I am closest to.

In the past few days I find myself looking at Coop and thinking, "really I don't know what I would do if anything happened to you. I just love him with all my heart." He is the strong one in not just my life, but for his friends, coworkers, family. He is the rock. But as I am finding out..everyone is fragile. We are human.

Thinking that with my closest family particularly Cooper and Sophia if anything were to happen I would wish so strongly that I could trade places with them. I would want to take their pain even if it meant it would be worse for me. That in my situation now it is easy for me because I do not have to see my loved ones physically in pain. I can muscle through anything as long as it is mine.

So I have been less critical and will remain this way. More tolerant. More kind and soft hearted. More open and vulnerable to those I love. I want Cooper, Sophia and every friend and family member to know that I love them deeply. We are flesh and bone. This is not permanent. And no one knows when we will receive the "diagnosis", the "phone call" or whatever it may be.

And embracing the fact that at the end of the day with anything. You can only do "your" personal best. But if I am not giving my best to those closest to me first. Life is not full. I do not want to have regrets with those I call my "heart".

That is all. Thanks for reading. And I love you.