Holy Hell. I keep having hot flashes. And I almost got through this crud without experiencing "that" side effect. One more left on 12/9,..soooo close. And UGH...I am totally going through early menopause. Shit.
Yes,...I will bounce back to normal life and get my "monthly friend" back a few months after chemo is over. But for now I know what it will feel like when I turn 50. or whatever and actually do go through the "change". I certainly won't need a sweater or a blanket, heater or socks at night. Dude.
Almost done..almost done..As of Wednesday this week..there are only 7 more days until my very LAST chemotherapy treatment. And then just 1-2 weeks until the really nasty side effects go away. It will take about a year for my body to be completely back to normal. But I am ready. This chemo thing feels like it takes FOREVER.
Tick tock, time is really ,moving slowly. Which would normally be awesome. But not in this case. December 9th you couldn't come sooner. Got to stay busy until then.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Insomnia
12:44 a.m., Tuesday morning. I just cannot go to sleep. My internal clock is completely off. I am tired of taking Tylenol P.M.
I am totally freaked out about a possible recurrence in the now non-breast that had cancer. There is a dull itching exactly where the biopsy/cancer was found. But what really freaks me out further is the dull pain/swollen feeling continues down my ribcage. I did email my Oncologist and did get a response..but nothing is set/planned for imaging. Which is really what I need at this point. Just need to know it is not cancer in my foob or anywhere else in that area.
Cancer you SUCK! I keep thinking worst case scenario. I am really emotional about Sophia these past few days as well. I just need to get those bad thoughts out of my head. Cancer is just such a mind fuck. (excuse the use of the phrase,..but really there is no better way to explain it).
Just need to breathe. Just need to try to sleep.
I am totally freaked out about a possible recurrence in the now non-breast that had cancer. There is a dull itching exactly where the biopsy/cancer was found. But what really freaks me out further is the dull pain/swollen feeling continues down my ribcage. I did email my Oncologist and did get a response..but nothing is set/planned for imaging. Which is really what I need at this point. Just need to know it is not cancer in my foob or anywhere else in that area.
Cancer you SUCK! I keep thinking worst case scenario. I am really emotional about Sophia these past few days as well. I just need to get those bad thoughts out of my head. Cancer is just such a mind fuck. (excuse the use of the phrase,..but really there is no better way to explain it).
Just need to breathe. Just need to try to sleep.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Only 2 left now.
Today marked #6 of 8 chemo treatments. And Thank God for that. Because I was just shy of having to leave my appointment and return tomorrow. Which isn't the end of the world, but there is something to be said for mentally psyching yourself up for treatment. It's as if I set myself up mentally the night, day even days before. So I am really glad I got it all done with today.
I guess my veins did not want to cooperate today. They could find a line, but not thread the needle into it. Yuck! And much love to my ever dedicated and fantastic friend Shelli who has been with me through it ALL. Jaclyn came today as well. Both beauties there next to me while I broke down into tears. As well as watched my blood draw and needles stuck in 5 times. I still think it was 6 or 7. But of course I would over shoot. It's always worse when it's you getting poked. I had to have 3 nurses trade off because it was just not working. Before the last one came in Maggie my nurse gently said,.."If this doesn't work we may need to have you come back another day." They needed to be safe. And they ended up sticking me in my wrist, which is not ideal. Taxol is not a "vesicant", but it could be potentially damaging to any/all tissue around the site if it gets out of the intended vein. And your wrist vs. a fattier part of the arm has a lot of tendons, joins, bones..etc that could be damaged even if caught right away. But I went for it understanding the risk. I just didn't move my arm or twist my wrist at all so the needle did not move.
Long winded. Sorry. So it is done. I am not a highly religious person, but I am so thankful and thankful to God for my friends. I am constantly humbled by how generous and genuinely caring they have been. Shelli in particular. I only hope I have the opportunity in my lifetime to give back to her as well as my other friends in need of the same kindness she has shown me. All day today she spent with me in that chemo room. Cleared her books because she knew I would be alone and she didn't want me to. Stayed even when I passed out to sleep. I never have to ask. She is there. And I never expect anything yet she consistently is there. I know how busy she is and how valuable her time really is on so many levels. I thank God for my friend Shelli and her amazing family.
And to all of my amazing friends and coworkers who do little and big things to pull me through; I love you. You have all in some way pulled me through, like a life line. It's very hard to explain, but the impact of even a simple phone call is huge. Jaclyn, thank you for today! You made me laugh during the worst part. don't know how you do it. You being there means so much and it was great to have just us girls!
So close to the end of treatment. I can feel it. My body is definitely worn down, but my mind is still very strong. After the first few days each time, I almost feel like my mind comes back from "chemo-cation" stronger than before. I have really cut down on my television consumption. So I think it is time to read. Chelsea keeps telling me to read "A New Earth" by Echart Tolle (spell?). I own it and have never read it. In part to the fact that it was all over Oprah. Kinda like "the Secret". Which is good, but I kind of think some self help books are over solicited and repeat stuff that we already know, just in different form. But I bought it, so I will read it. And it never hurts to take from it what you can. Positive reading. Better than television (for me) for sure.
Ready for my next treatment the day before Thanksgiving. Always so grateful for the love in my life. It is the best part of every day. When I close my eyes and really think about my existence..it is all about the love we give and receive. I can only hope to grow as a person by continuously giving/showing that love to those around me. What else is there?
I guess my veins did not want to cooperate today. They could find a line, but not thread the needle into it. Yuck! And much love to my ever dedicated and fantastic friend Shelli who has been with me through it ALL. Jaclyn came today as well. Both beauties there next to me while I broke down into tears. As well as watched my blood draw and needles stuck in 5 times. I still think it was 6 or 7. But of course I would over shoot. It's always worse when it's you getting poked. I had to have 3 nurses trade off because it was just not working. Before the last one came in Maggie my nurse gently said,.."If this doesn't work we may need to have you come back another day." They needed to be safe. And they ended up sticking me in my wrist, which is not ideal. Taxol is not a "vesicant", but it could be potentially damaging to any/all tissue around the site if it gets out of the intended vein. And your wrist vs. a fattier part of the arm has a lot of tendons, joins, bones..etc that could be damaged even if caught right away. But I went for it understanding the risk. I just didn't move my arm or twist my wrist at all so the needle did not move.
Long winded. Sorry. So it is done. I am not a highly religious person, but I am so thankful and thankful to God for my friends. I am constantly humbled by how generous and genuinely caring they have been. Shelli in particular. I only hope I have the opportunity in my lifetime to give back to her as well as my other friends in need of the same kindness she has shown me. All day today she spent with me in that chemo room. Cleared her books because she knew I would be alone and she didn't want me to. Stayed even when I passed out to sleep. I never have to ask. She is there. And I never expect anything yet she consistently is there. I know how busy she is and how valuable her time really is on so many levels. I thank God for my friend Shelli and her amazing family.
And to all of my amazing friends and coworkers who do little and big things to pull me through; I love you. You have all in some way pulled me through, like a life line. It's very hard to explain, but the impact of even a simple phone call is huge. Jaclyn, thank you for today! You made me laugh during the worst part. don't know how you do it. You being there means so much and it was great to have just us girls!
So close to the end of treatment. I can feel it. My body is definitely worn down, but my mind is still very strong. After the first few days each time, I almost feel like my mind comes back from "chemo-cation" stronger than before. I have really cut down on my television consumption. So I think it is time to read. Chelsea keeps telling me to read "A New Earth" by Echart Tolle (spell?). I own it and have never read it. In part to the fact that it was all over Oprah. Kinda like "the Secret". Which is good, but I kind of think some self help books are over solicited and repeat stuff that we already know, just in different form. But I bought it, so I will read it. And it never hurts to take from it what you can. Positive reading. Better than television (for me) for sure.
Ready for my next treatment the day before Thanksgiving. Always so grateful for the love in my life. It is the best part of every day. When I close my eyes and really think about my existence..it is all about the love we give and receive. I can only hope to grow as a person by continuously giving/showing that love to those around me. What else is there?
Monday, November 9, 2009
November 2009.
So I got over the aches and muscles pain. Reading the Young Survival Coalition boards are good in that you don't feel alone. But bad in the fact that not everyone has the same side effects and length of them. And it is difficult not to think worst case scenario when you are in pain. The aches and pains did go away for the most part. And yes there is loss of feeling in my toes and fingers a bit, but nothing completely unbareable.
It is also flu and cold season. I came down with something this last week. Stupid me worked a 10 hour day this past Wednesday. Then started feeling sick later on that evening. Which put me out of commision for a few days. Lesson learned.
Next treatment is this Wednesday. House cleaner comes tomorrow. If I could only stop sneezing. My hair is starting very slowly to grow. Very slowly. I'm sure it will pick up once the chemo is out of my system a few weeks after treatment is over. I can't wait. Not just because I don't want to look like a cancer patient anymore,..but because my head is REALLY COLD. And it is getting super cold outside. I lost my favorite hat that I spent way too much on at Nordstrom (Sonia Rykiel) dumb dumb me for even purchasing an expensive hat. But meanwhile it is lost. And it was the only warmer, fashionable hat I could wear to work. I have plenty of scarves. But it is really cold and only getting colder. Where is my hat dude!
It's almost over (the chemo part at least). Then 2 years of tamoxafin. And exchange surgery, hoping Dr. DaLio can fix the few things that drive me bonkers about "the girls". And hopefully just scheduled MRI's and Mammograms for the rest of my freekin' life. My fitness schedule and eating habits will also drastically change come late Dec.
Back to L.A. on Dec. 21st for a day trip to get screened again with Dr. Giuliano (surgical oncologist at St. Johns in Santa Monica). Oh Joy! Flying 4 days before the holiday...Ahhhhh ;)
It is also flu and cold season. I came down with something this last week. Stupid me worked a 10 hour day this past Wednesday. Then started feeling sick later on that evening. Which put me out of commision for a few days. Lesson learned.
Next treatment is this Wednesday. House cleaner comes tomorrow. If I could only stop sneezing. My hair is starting very slowly to grow. Very slowly. I'm sure it will pick up once the chemo is out of my system a few weeks after treatment is over. I can't wait. Not just because I don't want to look like a cancer patient anymore,..but because my head is REALLY COLD. And it is getting super cold outside. I lost my favorite hat that I spent way too much on at Nordstrom (Sonia Rykiel) dumb dumb me for even purchasing an expensive hat. But meanwhile it is lost. And it was the only warmer, fashionable hat I could wear to work. I have plenty of scarves. But it is really cold and only getting colder. Where is my hat dude!
It's almost over (the chemo part at least). Then 2 years of tamoxafin. And exchange surgery, hoping Dr. DaLio can fix the few things that drive me bonkers about "the girls". And hopefully just scheduled MRI's and Mammograms for the rest of my freekin' life. My fitness schedule and eating habits will also drastically change come late Dec.
Back to L.A. on Dec. 21st for a day trip to get screened again with Dr. Giuliano (surgical oncologist at St. Johns in Santa Monica). Oh Joy! Flying 4 days before the holiday...Ahhhhh ;)
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