So I am writing what hopefully will be my last blog entry in fight like a girl. What was my fight. Is now my journey. Not much more to say than that. Out of the mess of last year. And although there is more I can do as a western medical guinea pig. I am opting to say enough is enough. I am still being monitored by my oncologist, testing, scans, GYN follow ups. But the drugs & treatments, clinical trials...no more. They got everything. I went through 6 months of crap. Not really hell. Just ick. And I want my body back. I want my mind back. I am not opting for the tamoxifin. Which seems crazy. But I just feel institutionalized. And I need to clear my mind and go the naturopathic route.
I feel great. I turn 30 this year. Which I cannot believe. But it is true and part of my acceptance will stem from my journey from flabby to back in shape. My new blog details the 160 days of exercise and self rediscovery leading up to September 8th 2010.
Not sure how long it will take as I am still not quite back to normal after chemo. Body & hormones are not fully kickin' again. But I need to perservere. Might take longer than it would've before chemo to lose the weight and get my groove back. But I am in it and not going to give up.
Much love,
Becky
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
February 2010...update
So much has happened since my last post in December. I kind of feel like I am going through a quarter (or more since I do turn 30 this year) life crisis over the last few weeks. Mainly just because my perspective on what I will allow and accept/not accept in my life is much clearer. As well as going for what I want and not being shy or hesitant. I guess I used to question myself a whole lot more than I do lately. Not to say I don't question things & I am still a little reserved. But I think I am growing to understand myself better and why I feel the way I do. It makes sense. I am being vague. I know.
So back to the treatment, updates, mindset. I am now over 3 months out from my last chemo treatment. I think about my own mortality on a daily basis,..at least once often 3-5 times a day. It's just kind of "with" me. I would love to shake it and have a "positive" attitude (for the most part) and outlook on life. But I just can't seem to get back to completely carefree and naive. I kind of miss that. Ignorance really is bliss in so many ways.
I feel like my experiences over the past year have aged me 10 years at least. Maybe not physically,..but mentally I am really trying to get past it. Aside from my thoughts of another phonecall of a not so good diagnosis, I do in fact still struggle with relating to those closest to me. This is not the worst case of disconnect. But in all honesty..it has been tough to talk to Cooper or any of my family about my feelings because A. They have heard enough,..my time to listen and B. No one really get's it. I know and love that they try. I do not feel a lack of support, compassion or love from anyone. Just more "Why bother to talk about any of it,..because no one can relate."
Still not too much hair. Enough on my head now to now wear a hat. Woo Hoo. Exchange surgery is finished..but the saga continues. I am not too stoked with the results. My doctor did a beautiful job. But did not listen to me and my specific requests/expectations..which were completely in the realm of reasonable. He just wanted to do what he wanted and really my guess is would have been fine if I had no mouth what so ever to express my thoughts. But of course I should feel some sort of gratitude because he put me back together..?!? Dunno. Maybe if he had done it pro-bono that might be the case. But it cost both myself & my insurance company a nice chunk of change. For now I am just a little pissed. So another surgery will be in my future. At least I live in a world where that is feasible. And I am really again trying to be less focused on how I look vs. who I am as a person. I just really want to be comfortable with my body,..which seems to constantly change these days.
Back to work and back to stress has meant lack of appetite. So I am starting to shed the 15 lbs gained in 2009. I am still debating over Tamoxifin vs. no Tamoxifin. I really don't want to take any more prescription drugs. I went to extreme route by taking both "girls" off,...went through chemo even though I did so as a preventative. And really the idea of Tamoxifin makes no sense to me. I know it has and continues to save lives. I know that it will reduce my risk per oncotype DX. But the only way I could still have b.c. is if it was in my blood stream floating around waiting to attach itself to another organ/tissue outside of the area. And chemotherapy should've taken care of that. But Tamox. would be like the running back to Chemo in the process. Or maybe it is a defensive lineman? Anyway...I need to consider the pros & cons,..but even talking with my doctor has not helped me come to some sound decision. Tamoxifin will continue to fuck with my natural structure. It will potentially make me sick. Potentially make me gain even more weight before I am able to loose the 10-15 gained last year. And for what?! For peace of mind, when the idea of all of that drives me nuts anyway. I just don't know.
And then there is children. Not just Sophia,...but I really want more kids. How this would work even if we wanted them right away I don't know. But I do know that I do want more. At least one. Maybe two. And I am turning 30 this year. Cancer has already stolen a year from me. Tamoxifin would mean another 2-5 years. That puts me at 35 by the time I am finished. And then have to wait another year just to clear my system. I still have yet to get "mother natures blessing" back each month. And am wondering if I ever will. I guess that would make the choice easier as well if I knew.
A life less complicated if what I want at some point. For now I need to chill out and just be. This is why I am watching Infomercials, one on the Shark Portable Steam Pocket. Very handy & in 3 easy payments it could be mine.
Good day!
So back to the treatment, updates, mindset. I am now over 3 months out from my last chemo treatment. I think about my own mortality on a daily basis,..at least once often 3-5 times a day. It's just kind of "with" me. I would love to shake it and have a "positive" attitude (for the most part) and outlook on life. But I just can't seem to get back to completely carefree and naive. I kind of miss that. Ignorance really is bliss in so many ways.
I feel like my experiences over the past year have aged me 10 years at least. Maybe not physically,..but mentally I am really trying to get past it. Aside from my thoughts of another phonecall of a not so good diagnosis, I do in fact still struggle with relating to those closest to me. This is not the worst case of disconnect. But in all honesty..it has been tough to talk to Cooper or any of my family about my feelings because A. They have heard enough,..my time to listen and B. No one really get's it. I know and love that they try. I do not feel a lack of support, compassion or love from anyone. Just more "Why bother to talk about any of it,..because no one can relate."
Still not too much hair. Enough on my head now to now wear a hat. Woo Hoo. Exchange surgery is finished..but the saga continues. I am not too stoked with the results. My doctor did a beautiful job. But did not listen to me and my specific requests/expectations..which were completely in the realm of reasonable. He just wanted to do what he wanted and really my guess is would have been fine if I had no mouth what so ever to express my thoughts. But of course I should feel some sort of gratitude because he put me back together..?!? Dunno. Maybe if he had done it pro-bono that might be the case. But it cost both myself & my insurance company a nice chunk of change. For now I am just a little pissed. So another surgery will be in my future. At least I live in a world where that is feasible. And I am really again trying to be less focused on how I look vs. who I am as a person. I just really want to be comfortable with my body,..which seems to constantly change these days.
Back to work and back to stress has meant lack of appetite. So I am starting to shed the 15 lbs gained in 2009. I am still debating over Tamoxifin vs. no Tamoxifin. I really don't want to take any more prescription drugs. I went to extreme route by taking both "girls" off,...went through chemo even though I did so as a preventative. And really the idea of Tamoxifin makes no sense to me. I know it has and continues to save lives. I know that it will reduce my risk per oncotype DX. But the only way I could still have b.c. is if it was in my blood stream floating around waiting to attach itself to another organ/tissue outside of the area. And chemotherapy should've taken care of that. But Tamox. would be like the running back to Chemo in the process. Or maybe it is a defensive lineman? Anyway...I need to consider the pros & cons,..but even talking with my doctor has not helped me come to some sound decision. Tamoxifin will continue to fuck with my natural structure. It will potentially make me sick. Potentially make me gain even more weight before I am able to loose the 10-15 gained last year. And for what?! For peace of mind, when the idea of all of that drives me nuts anyway. I just don't know.
And then there is children. Not just Sophia,...but I really want more kids. How this would work even if we wanted them right away I don't know. But I do know that I do want more. At least one. Maybe two. And I am turning 30 this year. Cancer has already stolen a year from me. Tamoxifin would mean another 2-5 years. That puts me at 35 by the time I am finished. And then have to wait another year just to clear my system. I still have yet to get "mother natures blessing" back each month. And am wondering if I ever will. I guess that would make the choice easier as well if I knew.
A life less complicated if what I want at some point. For now I need to chill out and just be. This is why I am watching Infomercials, one on the Shark Portable Steam Pocket. Very handy & in 3 easy payments it could be mine.
Good day!
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